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Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Stupid stories...

When I was in middle and high school, me and my best friend Jason H. used to spend lots of time making up really stupid stories which were recorded on a crappy old cassette recorder I'd inherited from my Dad. Here's a few of these "classics":



1: "The tire"

The story of a gigantic tire that grew by running over people, "absorbing" them and magically growing bigger and bigger. The story was influenced by a Boy Scout trip where we found an old truck tire and proceeded to roll it down a huge, steep hill that we later found out led to a road below. It was 11:00 at night so all we heard was the sound of the tire crashing through the woods on its way down. We found it the next day stuck way up in a tree.



2: "Ancient Alien Worms!"

I don't remember much about this one. Something about worms from outer space that had been "awoken" by humans, which of course made them angry. They sought vengence!

3: " Beer Beetles"

A small town in Texas is inundated by beer beetles that are angry because the town's crop of beer flowers- of which they feed- fails to grow becuase of a drought. They seek revenge by flying into resturaunts and stores full of people and spontaneously combusting. The town hires a "beetle detective", aptly named "Mr. Beetleman" to solve the case, which really doesn't get solved. We were recording the story in the car on the way to Florida and passed by some attractive girls in a convertible. The story stops there because I assume we were interested in them.

4: " Playdough dinosaur"

A small boy makes a dinosaur out of playdough. His mother is angry at him ( for some reason) and flushes it down the toilet. The playdough dinasaur grows from all the water and comes back- seeking revenge ( notice a pattern here?) and proceeds to eat the mother, the father, and basically everyone else in the story. It goes on a rampage, breaking into stores collecting more playdough to make itself bigger and bigger!

5: " Snake spaghetti!"

Not much of a story, we just liked to yell "Snake Spaghetti!" a lot. But we made up a story anyway. Basically, people at a fancy resturaunt order spaghetti and it turns into live, poisonous snakes! Oh no!

6:" The Vacuum cleaner"

Inspired by my Grandad's crappy old canister vacuum, one day a vacumm goes bezerk, grinding up a whole family.

7:" Charlie Brown and the alternative people"

Grunge was pretty popular in the early 90's and being the unpopular nerds we were, me and Jason despised these people. So we made up some stupid story about how Charlie Brown ( not sure why he became the character) was the star of a popular computer game ( not sure why that was the case either) but anyway, he "magically" comes out of the computer and goes around insulting all the "alternative people".

8: " The sinister plastic easter egg"

I don't remember much about this one. Something about an evil plastic easter egg of doom that has awful messages stuffed inside it that all come true.

9-?: Various stories involving famous characters. They won't be mentioned for legal reasons. But basically lots of stories about famous fast food and theme park icons that go out and do the same kinds of things that always happened in the rest of our stories: Either a character seeks revenge, grows bigger, or eats people.

10: "Gangster Banana Peels"

Gangsters who are basically just bananas go out at night at offices and throw themselves in the floor, making famous and rich people trip and fall, breaking their necks.

I can't remember all of the stories. We made up A LOT of them.

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